I was walking in my neighborhood today,

…and on this particular day I happened to notice a house.  First I noticed the stream flowing by just before seeing the house. I thought it would be so great for my daughter and my son, those water types, this house would be lovely for them.  Then I noticed that they had a greenhouses on the property and  how that would be great for me to have a garden and so I stopped and I stopped to really notice. took some pictures to help me take awareness to it. All the while thinking I wanna stay in the neighborhood maybe that house would be a really nice next house so I took a picture. Five.  I don’t know if this roads name but it is five for its house number. 

As I kept walking past there was a point in the road that it was very open, wide and spacious.  It’s you could feel expansive, limitless in this space. I thought that would be really wonderful for my son and my husband they would love that feeling (air types). And me, the garden, the earth (for i an an earth type). 

As I walk back, past the house again I stopped at the little brook in the backyard and which brang up my childhood and how wonderful it was that I had to creek in the backyard.  I would catch toads and walk the whole stream to this slate step waterfall area.  How I would be out there, I could play an explore and be a kid and as I am reliving this moment my heart is swelling. I am having so much love and gratitude for it.  Maybe that’s why I prioritize nature so much, its because I had so many good times spent in nature it was always an enjoyable experience.  I could explore you know, I was alone but also I was doing what I wanted without anyone telling me it’s wrong or “I shouldn’t do that” or whatever.  You know the negative talk that we get sometimes. And right now I’m hearing it in my son, I hear what he says to himself and his brother, I hear him because I hear it in my voice.  The things that we’ve said, me and my husband those things that we’ve said to him. “don’t go over there” “you’re getting too close” “be careful“ don’t do that” “Don’t touch your brother” You know, he’s heard it for a very long time from us, almost 13 years and that is why he’s repeating it.  That is why we see this behavior pattern and I see it.  I have knowledge of it and I’m doing my best to change it.  That is what atonement is.  Atonement is “Yeah, I see that I actually am responsible for this whole debacle and now that I see it I’m sorry, I’m gonna try to be better next time” and maybe there will be a next time but maybe there won’t. #hope Maybe this was enough to break the cycle, just having this awareness of it and taking responsibility for it. This is what love is. “Hey, I forgive you, you didn’t know what you were doing then.  You are a child in my eyes, you are a loving being deserving of the world, you do not need to hold yourself in condemnation for this thing that you didn’t even know you were doing. You didn’t know and I forgive you. You were innocent. Its over now let’s try to be better oK?  Memo to self #ChooseBetter.   “When you know better, do better.”  That is what responsibility is. That is what ownership is.  You know the error of your ways and if you want them to change it then it starts with you.  You can’t bottom up changes, you can’t change them before you change yourself, as a parent you are the model, you are the leader, if you never feel like a leader in your family then I am sorry my friend, you need to talk to me about some empowerment because news flash, you are the only one driving the bus!     

Going back to my memory… Why I love nature… what was so enjoyable…. 

I could just be me.

that is my authentic self. when i was left to be, i could be and dance and laugh and sing and run or explore or crouch down and stare at a caterpillar walking along a trail for 20 mins.. where is he going, why is he going there, look how he moves, what is he thinking, does he see the beautiful flower over there?. 

I could just be me 

and it was just where i want to be even now